Reality. Check!

I have literally had the time of my life these last ten or so months. I have seen and heard and compiled more experiences that have filled me up more than anything else in my entire life so far. I completed all the goals I had for myself. I saw most of the people I wanted to see, traveled to places I had no idea even existed, and experience the world in a brand new way. These months have been irreplaceable and incomparable and priceless. 

Or not.

There has been a price. It has cost me thousands of dollars to make this happen. I sold 3/4 of my belongings, sacrificed my “divorce” money and am staring right down the pipe at my “sold my house” money. 

Did I have a budget? Well, I had a number in my head. But, then again, my head can barely keep track of what time or day or month it is. My head has a hard time with time zones and state lines. My head is so in the moment that nothing else exists. 

Right now I feel like I have an artery bleeding money. Yes, I am off the road and presently place bound. I am house sitting with, one would think, no expenses. Then again, I had to get the Jeep worked on and buy food and, well, that gear I love went on sale! Who can say NO to that??

Shit. Shit. Shit yet again. I am sitting down to do my taxes and I am seeing, for the first time, and first hand, the money I have spent while on this adventure. Yes, I gave myself one year off from work and from being an adult and from convention. I told myself I deserved this, I earned this, and I have the right to squander my own resources. Fuck it to holy hell I needed this!!

Shit and shit again. Now, the Jeep needs hundreds of dollars of work and I am bored and I need more tea and is that a new brewery??? I don’t expect everyone to pay for everything for me and I don’t expect the world and my community to financially support my ass for the choices I made. I expect nothing from the world except my safety and a pure experience of the natural world and the people in it. That is all. 

Yet, I am so appreciative for the meals and the lodging and the clothes I have been given. I appreciate this house I get to live in and use for free. I mean, how much hot water and gas fireplace is too much??? Just a little of your brandy, thank you. But, I cleaned and got the mail and fed the birds. There is that, right??

 And yet… a new reality is setting in. This new reality is more of a reality check. This reality is screaming at me that this great life of no responsibility is quickly coming to an end. But, is it? Is it really ending? Perhaps I am just choosing not to bleed money. Perhaps I am, as I have been for nearly a year, taking charge and calling the shots and choosing to change my life in whatever way I want. Perhaps this is still my deal. Perhaps. 

I am feeling anxious and I am feeling the deficit and I am feeling vulnerable and a little scared. Not like fear for my safety, more like fear for my future. I am feeling like I have spent money I don’t have or may never see again or that I can never get back. 

Holy hell, my breath becomes faster and my chest tightens and my anxiety rises just writing all of this…. breathe….. just breathe…..deep breathes… 

I am being hit with bills like never before. I am taking care of the Jeep, which is a must. I am paying for the cost of living. I am sending out that which is not coming back. At least not right now, not at this time. And yet…

I have the power to work, to earn money, to change up this journey. I can focus, or not, and I can work, or not. Still, and as was one of my original goals, I can choose and I am in charge and this is all up to me. I can put my intention out into the Universe and I can find and seek and set new goals. I can stop for a minute and acknowledge that this is still my journey, my pilgrimage, and my choice. This is still mine. 

I sit in a house that is free, watching a TV that is free, using all the electricity and water and facilities that I want. Lest we forget the jet tub. All for free. I can eat for free and walk for free. Yet, I must pay for the Jeep and some food and for my gas and for my phone and for any additions to my gear or supplies. I refuse to ask for anyone to pay my way and I never expect, but I always appreciate, anyone who buys me a tea or a meal or a beer. Cheers to my infinite support system and those who love me. 

I read stories about women who travel all over the world and couples who build and travel in these fully equipped recreational vehicles. I see articles about people who speak their mind and live their truth and never seem to want. I also visit people who are the mere shell of who they are as a person and who are living a life that sucks out their soul. I meet people who are in their zone and people who are no where near their authentic self. I see the sadness in their eyes and I feel the joy in their hearts. 

I am bleeding money. I am living on the cheap. I am a dichotomy of existence. I am also the happiest I have been in all of my 55+ years. Because you know why? You know why in one moment I stress the money and in the next money I spend it? Because there is no amount of money that can buy that sunset or sunrise on the beach or in the mountains. There is no amount of money that can replicate the smell of the ocean or the river or the desert or the plains. There is no amount of money that can fill your soul the way a visit with loved ones can. None at all. Not one dollar. None. 

My goal for year two? I am dead set and totally committed to replacing some of that money, refilling some of those coffers, and replenishing that which is somewhat depleted. My focus is on positions and jobs that I think or feel are best suited to me, that are seasonal and temporary, and that will help me address this deficit I currently feel. My goal for my second year (oh this is not over yet) is to give some resources back to myself. Give back to my bank account and my savings and still live in my truth, live authentically and live in whatever way I choose. 

Cheers to identifying that thing that is a distraction. 

Double Cheers to making that thing no longer a distraction!!

Triple Cheers to finding your way, walking your path and staying true to yourself. 

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