I am a planner. It pains me not to know what happens next. It is hard for me to live in limbo. It is hard for me to relent control. These pandemic times are a real challenge.
Life on the road was, on the one hand, a series of plans and ideas and next steps. Then on the other hand, leaps of faith and flying by the seat of my tactical pants. I relied on faith, other-worldly vibrations, listening to the voices all around and taking the path as it presented itself. There is a certain vibe I lived with and by. My pen-pal and I know this as the “pilgrim” way. When you let go and let God. When you learn to look with eyes that are clear and anew, listen with ears that are not full voices. When the vibrational pull of the Universe is your only compass. That is the pilgrim way.
Sadly, pandemic times are not conducive to living the pilgrim way. We are, like everyone else, subject to the forces around us. We are no longer in charge of our lives and no longer living by choice. We are living by decree and policy. “We” is everyone, not just us nomadic folks or pilgrims or travelers. The entire planet is in response mode. The human race is impacted. The world has changed.
These last few weeks were a flurry of decisions, actions and responses that nobody could have predicted. Change came fast and furious and then, more change, and then even more change. Thankfully, things have sort of settled down. I mean, to the extent that they can. Closures are in place, societal norms are being reset and people of the world are finding a new “normal”. We are starting to calm, though still adjusting.
Thankfully, I landed on my feet. I am not in an ideal situation or ideal place and I am not with loved ones. However, and I say this all the time, I am safe and housed and working. I am able to meet all of my needs and that counts. I am in limbo, but so is everyone else. I am not happy that my life was taken from me, but I have to remember that I am no alone, either. Many others have it way worse than I do. Some struggle where I do not, some have no safety net where I do. I pray for them.
As we settle into our new, yet adjusted, routines, I am planning my next move. I know I am not where I want to be doing what I want to be doing. I am waiting. I am waiting to know if I will be able to work my predetermined summer job. I am waiting to find out if my reason for even being here will even be a reason. This will be a long wait. BUT, what if that summer job does not happen? What if they want to put it off for another month or two or more? What if…
Now I plan. First, I work and live where I am until the summer job happens. I will know by May. Second, if summer job does not happen, move to a more desirable location and continue to work. Search out a place that better suits me. Thankfully, I am able to transfer my job. I have been researching possible locations. That is all I can do at this point to fulfill my need to have a plan. Research! Look and look and look. At least this gives me something to do, for crying out loud. I am bored to tears. I don’t do well with unstructured time and that seems to be all I have. Work will help. I can stay busy and replenish my savings. That is good.
I can also look ahead and play around in the unknown. I can research possible locations and possibly ways to live. Locations and living that is better suited to me, who I am and what I am about. I can take my time, this time. Look closer and dig deeper. This time in limbo, this time living in a way that is not preferred, has brought me closer to knowing and understanding who I am and what I am about. I may not be able to meet all of my criteria while not living my chosen life, but I can make it the best possible. I can structure my life in a way that best suits who I am and what moves me. BEST suits, not completely suits. That will be a mandated concession.
I have learned more about how I want to live, things I need and do not need to be happy. I am learning about my minimum requirements. I am confirming some things about myself, things I knew but now REALLY know. I am using this time to grow, even if that is not what I wanted to do. Humpf.
I also know that I am resilient. I can live and do just about anything for a short or temporary period of time. I can live outside of my zone. I am still working hard to listen to the Universe and find the pilgrim, even in these non-pilgrim times. I am glad that my lifestyle had me prepared for all of this, or as prepared as anyone can be. I am stuck but I have everything I need with me. I am not lacking.
We are all living in new and strange and unfamiliar ways. Most of us struggle with something, and some of us will struggle with everything. I am grateful for my situation, even if it is less than ideal. I am grateful to have choices and grateful to be safe. I have time to plan and let my mind wander, regardless of what the future holds. I am thankful that most of my life is stable and my uncertainties are few.
There is not one person amongst us who knows what the future holds. There is not one person out in the world whose life will be exactly the same as it was a few weeks ago. I forge ahead. I make due. I hope and pray for the best. I research and plan and then I research and plan some more. Time passes and so shall this.
My continued wish for the collective YOU is for peace, health and safety. May your basic needs be met, and if they are, may you grow in new and amazing ways. Sometimes that is all we have. Sometimes that is enough.