Are you living your dream? Achieving your desires? Putting in and getting back what you want in your life? Finding happiness? Bliss? JOY??

While these may seem like simple questions, they can be very difficult to answer or even work towards. How does one even know when the state of happiness has arrived? Is it that title at work? Larger salary? Buying a home? Does one follow that achievement high?? Lest we forget the lingering doubts, uncertainties, dysfunctional patterns, guilt and shame that can rain down on our happiness parade. Perhaps we question what we were so confident about an hour ago. After all, life is complicated.

Even if you are seeing the fruits of your labor, the results of your plan and the coming together of your dreams, something still may not feel settled. No matter how well you planned and manifested, what YOU thought you wanted may not be what you really want anyway! Those dreams may still feel off, that desired goal may still leave you feeling let down, out of sorts, or just short of the finish line. You may find yourself having that nagging sensation that something is still not quite right. 

Why? Why does what we want not always mean peace and fulfillment? Why do some dreams feel like a let down? How come life does not always work?? These are questions you may ask yourself. I know these are questions that I ask myself. These are feelings that cause me angst. 

Oh, angst, you rotten bastard, you are back! Angst; heavy, ugly, nagging angst rears its head yet again. Angst is the reason I am on this journey and living this life in the first place. Have I come so far only to go back??? 

This is my most recent struggle. I have been in New Mexico about eight months. I have gone all in, changing my driver license and my car tabs, my address with my credit cards, tax returns and bank. I am a New Mexican. I am a resident in the Land of Enchantment. Whoopdie Doo. 

When I became a Texan it was a thing! I felt like I had found a home, like I belonged, that I was part of a special club. Becoming a New Mexican was more out of necessity, practicality, and to align my location with my life. What a let down. 

I do not have the sense of home I had while in Texas. I do not have the community or the connections I had with my neighbors. I am still struggling with my job, my living situation, my sense of community and belonging. It does not feel the same here. 

Now that I have put my finger on that angst, what am I to do with it? Where does it come from? In all honesty, I am still working on that answer. However, for now, let me tell you what I am doing. Or not doing, depending on how you look at it.

I am committed to staying one year in my job and in this place. Well, unless something goes horribly wrong and I leave sooner. That is a very real and possible outcome. My first choice is not to uproot and move again, so I commit to stay a year. That is the first part. I am in different circumstances, with a different location, different people, basically different everything. A direct comparison to Texas is really not fair. I will give this time. 

To be honest, I have not been back to Big Bend. Not once. The trip I planned was waylaid by more pressing tasks. I may be living in some fantasy land about how awesome and amazing it was or would be if I went back. I think about this, too.

Once I stay the year I will look for another job. I theorize that I may be in the right place but at the wrong job. Well, my job as it is today at this moment. I promised myself that I was not going to live my work day looking out a window at life, but that I was going to be part of it. Working inside and in the confines of a building is not sustainable for me. Not over the long term, anyway. This I have come to know.

I continue to learn that I am that person who needs to learn and grow in their job. I need to be engaged, giving my heart and soul. This area has stalled. Consequently, I plan to try a different job in the same location. Next I will check-in with myself and see how that feels. I will give it a few months before I start a hard check-in. Do I still feel out of place? Out of sorts? Is that angst still flicking peas at my head? Did a job change do it for me??

My next step will depend on the answer to that question. If a job change does not quell the discourse, and I have given it ample time, then it will be time to move on. I like this company, their goals and their values. I like being part of an organization that is so supportive of our natural world and who puts their values to work. I can get behind and believe in this company so my first look will be within this company to see what their other locations have to offer.

If that all fails, and I am still living with this unsettled and unsatisfied feeling, then it will be time to look beyond. I have learned so much about what I want and need in my home and work life that I can move forward with a clear intention and a detailed picture of my wants and needs. I can go slow, clarify my goals, my desires, then start the journey. I can take my time to plan, coordinate, arrange my life in preparation for another move. There is no rush. 

Circle back to now. I have put all this out into the Universe. While I take these steps, have the necessary conversations, lay the groundwork, I am also saving money, having adventures, exploring new places, replacing old or worn out gear. There are good things about the wait and I shall take advantage. I will take these next months to find my happiness. 

The question now: are YOU happy? I have outlined my process to find and keep happiness in my life. Do you have one? If you are not happy, what are you doing to change that? If you are happy, how are you preserving that happiness? 

I believe that nothing is perfect and nothing lasts forever. I believe we have choices. I believe we should choose happiness and, whenever needed, we should pave the way for it. 

I believe we can live the lives we want. I believe these choices may be scary and new, but they are completely within our grasp. I believe in me and I believe in you.

Reach for the stars, follow your bliss, be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid. Don’t worry, be happy. Just do it!

Happiness. May you create it, may you find it, may you keep it with you always.

Cheers to living our happy lives.  We deserve it!

Michelle